Rough sex is really about being in the right state of mind
If you’re a nice person outside of the bedroom, it 
may feel hard to tap into that raw, animalistic energy that rough sex requires.
One way to work around this is to roleplay. If you feel like you’re just playing a character, it may be easier to let loose. You can set up a specific roleplay scenario with your partner. Pick something that has a natural power imbalance, like a teacher/student dyad. Or you can try simply envisioning yourself as someone else, like a celebrity or a character in a movie.
Talk dirty
If you feel a little nervous about getting physically rough, you can always start with dirty talk. Talking dirty can be just as arousing and intense, without any fear of drawing blood or leaving a bruise. Here are some examples of different types to get started with:
- Talk about what you want to do to your partner, or what you’re going to do to them. For example, “You’re mine tonight. I’m going to have my way with you.”
- Boss your partner around. “Get down there and lick my clit right now.”
- Be withholding. “Oh, you want to come? Too bad.”
Talking dirty is also a great way to reaffirm that you have permission from your partner. (Remember, consent conversations should always come first.) If you’re nervous about springing something on them in the moment, you can say something like, “Do you need to be spanked?” Or, “You like that? You want me to go harder?”
Ease your way into it
As with all new sexual activities, I recommend starting small. Give yourself time to get comfortable. You don’t have to go all-in on rough sex, especially if you’ve never tried it before, or don’t naturally relate to that kind of energy.
Here are some ways to experiment. Read through the list with your partner and identify one or two that sound most intriguing to you both:
- Go harder, deeper, or faster. You can up the intensity with kissing, touching, manual stimulation, oral sex, intercourse, or toy play by thinking of the quality of your motions: as you touch your partner, think to yourself, “how hard, fast or deep am I going?” Try rotating between each of these three qualities.
- Spank your partner. The best place to start spanking is right in the middle of the butt cheek. It’s a well-padded area, so it doesn’t cause a lot of pain. It also makes a nice satisfying sound! Keep your fingers loosely together, and aim to make the most contact with your fingertips.
- Scratch your partner. Good places for scratching include the back, the butt, and the neck. Curl your fingers, and gently drag them like a rake across your partner’s skin.
- Pull your partner’s hair. Take your hand rake and drag it up your partner’s neck, into their hair. Curl your fingers tighter so you grab onto their hair. Slowly increase your pressure into a nice squeeze.
- Bite your partner. Aim for fleshy parts of your partner’s body. Take their skin in between your teeth and gradually increase the pressure for a second or two.
- Restrain your partner. Pull your partner’s hands above their head while they’re lying flat on the bed, and hold them there with one or both of your hands.
With anything you do, pay attention to how your partner is receiving it. They can always use their safeword, but it’s still important for you to keep an eye out for negative reactions. If you’re not sure if their grimace is a good or bad sign, take a moment to ask, “How are you doing over there?”
